My Good Friend Ryan

           When my friend Kiera was in Uganda, she asked me, “Do you think your standards for friends have lowered in the Peace Corps?”  She was joking, but this question did have some validity.  I am sure you all remember my friend Ryan – the one who earned his brown badge because he wanted to finish making his tea.  Well, the more I hang out with Ryan, the more I realize that he deserves his own special blog post. 

            Ryan has taken to rarely bathing in this country.  As you may already know, the dirt roads and heat make it hard to keep yourself clean here in Uganda.  You will find yourself thinking that you have a tan, but really, it is just dirt.  I have to bathe every day because I always feel sweaty and gross.  Ryan, on the other hand, justifies not bathing because he says he is just going to get dirty again – so what’s the point?  I have to admit that I cannot be too hard on Ryan because I rarely bathed when I was living in Kenya.  I get it…sometimes it really is just too much work to bucket bathe.  Ryan, however, waited five months to finally wash his sheets.  That is correct, that is 5 months of unwashed sheets with a man who does not bathe.  This combination, I feel, cannot be justified.   Thankfully, he recently hired a house girl to do his laundry, so his sheets are now being washed on a regular basis. 

            On the rare occasion that Ryan chooses to bathe, he also decides to do his dishes.  In an effort to save water, Ryan uses his dirty bath water to wash his dishes.  He argues that it is easier because the water is already soapy and that it is okay because he rinses them off with clean water.  Since Ryan only bathes about two to three times a week, I can only imagine the color of his bath water.  It is safe to assume that I will not be enjoying a meal at Ryan’s in the near future. 

            In addition to not washing his sheets, Ryan has never wiped his stove clean.  He has the same stainless steel gas stove that I have, but his turned completely black from all of the grease.  When he told me this fun fact, I was horrified and I insisted that he let me come over and make it silver again.  I destroyed a sponge and the bucket of water was black when I was finished cleaning.  I even got the special bonus of being able to clean under the stove - complete with old food and rat poop.  

            Ryan may not be the cleanliest of people, but he is a good guy.  For one, he has a sense of humor and has allowed me to post about pooping his pants and his hygiene.  Secondly, Ryan also rescued a kitten from his latrine.   Last week, he discovered that a kitten had fallen into his latrine and he could hear it meowing.  Ryan consulted his neighbors about saving the kitten and they all laughed.  The latrine is brand new, and they said they could not get the kitten out since it is thirty feet deep.  Ryan figured that the kitten was most likely near death because there was no way it could survive a thirty-foot fall.  After three days, however, the kitten was still meowing and Ryan set out to rescue the kitten.  Ryan spent three frustrating hours trying to get the kitten out of the latrine until he was finally successful.  He says that his neighbors must think he is crazy because for three hours he was shining his flashlight and yelling, “You idiot!  Get on the stupid piece of wood.  Come on!!!”  Ryan also says that it was not compassion that made him spend so much time trying to rescue a kitten; it was his ego.  There was a problem, and he needed a solution – he was not going to be outsmarted by a kitten.  He finally lowered a rice sack with dried fish inside in order to lure the kitten.  After ten minutes, the cat entered the sack and Ryan was able to pull him to safety.  Ryan claims that he only decided to save the kitten because he wanted to poop in peace.  He, however, gave the kitten a bath, pulled out his tics with tweezers, gave him food, and then let him sleep in his house.  So Ryan may not be the most hygienic, but he has a good heart!  In the end, I am glad to call him my friend. 

            Plus, he is really photogenic…

           

Ryan with my neighbors

Self Defense in Uganda

           My parents and sister have been nagging me to post, so I am finally getting around to writing one.  I have to admit that I haven’t written recently because I feel like nothing can beat a mango fly video.  I love posts where I can gross you out and have you thinking, “How is she still there?”  I suppose I should count my blessings that I have not had any run-ins with rats or cockroaches recently. 

            Two weeks ago I went to Jinja with my neighbor, Sauya, to visit her son and attend his school’s 100^th Anniversary event.  I expected the event to be like every other Ugandan function I have attended – long and running behind schedule.  I was surprised, however, that they followed the itinerary exactly and it ended promptly at 2:30.  The event was a lot of fun – lots of schools attended and they put on dancing and singing performances.  President Museveni was supposed to be the guest of honor, but he was in India.  The Speaker of Parliament came instead, which was still pretty cool.  The Prince of Busoga was also there and he was really good looking.  Too bad he is nineteen (because I’m sure I would have had a chance…).  After the event, Sauya’s son, Isaac, gave us a tour of the school.  It is a really pretty school overlooking Lake Victoria.  Isaac had a lot of fun showing off his mzungu friend.  As we were walking, Sauya turned to Isaac and asked if those were his friends over there.  He said yes.  She laughed and said she could see Isaac standing behind me, pointing and mouthing, “This is her!” with a big smile on his face.  We went over and introduced ourselves, which I think made Isaac’s day. 

            Last weekend, I returned to Jinja again to visit Mary at her site and teach self-defense to her scouts.  I know you all just had to reread that sentence…”Aubrey teaching self defense?”  The concept of self-defense does not really exist here in Uganda, and hence, I am qualified to teach it.  I taught the basics that I could remember from Krav Maga: proper fighting stance, how to punch, groin kicks, kneeing, and how to get out of a choke from behind.  I am sure my Krav Maga instructors would be horrified with how I most likely butchered everything they taught me, but as they say here, “it’s okay!”  The scouts had a lot of fun, and near the end, the girls started to get really into it.  At first they were pretty shy, and lazily punching – the self-defense concept was pretty foreign to them, I am sure.  After my lesson, one of the boys said, “Madame me and him versus you and Madame Mary.  We do practicals!”  Whoops, guess I should have been clearer that you only use this to defend yourself.  (In all honesty, though, I’m pretty sure I could have taken both of them).  Mary texted me the next day, “I don’t know what you did to me, but I am so sore!”  So I guess I did a job well done. 

            On Tuesday, I went to the health clinic to see Gowa and give him more latex gloves and a poster that I had made for his clinic.  We went and visited one of his patients because he said he needed me to convince her to go to Mbale to get treatment.  (Apparently, advice from an mzungu is taken more seriously).  He told me that she is HIV positive, and that she had developed some sores in her mouth.  We walked to this woman’s house, and I could immediately tell she was very sick.  She was gaunt and moving slowly.  He instructed her to open her mouth for me, and it took everything I had in me to not dry heave right there.  She had all of these open, pussy sores in her mouth.  It looked so painful, and she told me that her whole mouth felt like it was on fire.  The medicine Gowa had given her did not help and she had stopped eating because it was painful.  I, of course, told her she needed to go to the hospital in Mbale because they have more resources.  She nodded her head, and said that she would go.  Gowa later told me that he had been telling her to go to Mbale, but since she heard it from a white person, now she would actually listen.  He said that seeing me also probably gave her a little more hope.  I felt awful that I could not be of more help, but this did give me a little comfort knowing that I was making somewhat of a difference. 

            Later on in the day, a patient came into the health clinic because he was having some stomach pains.  Him and Gowa were speaking in Lugwere, so I did not know exactly what they were talking about.  Gowa handed the patient condoms and asked if he knew how to use them.  The patient said no, he had never used a condom before.  Well, this all led to me giving my first condom demonstration!  The patient brought in two other men to watch me too – who could pass up the mzungu demonstrating how to put on a condom?  I wish there was film footage of this; my goofy smile did not leave my face the whole time and I could feel that my face was beet red.  Overall, it went well though, and I passed around the condom after so they could all see what one actually looked like.  I’m really hoping that practice makes perfect.  If I have to do another one, then hopefully I won’t be as embarrassed and awkward. 

            

Here are a few photos from the 100th Anniversary Event in Jinja: 

100th Anniversary Event 

Some of the boys dressed up as girls for the dance - hilarious

Sauya and Isaac

Isaac and me

Sauya and me

Poppin' Mango Flies

            If you have been an avid follower of this blog, then you probably recall me mentioning mango flies.  For those that have forgotten, let me refresh your memory.  Mango flies will sometimes lay their eggs in your clothing while it is hanging outside to dry.  The eggs hatch upon contact with skin, and the larvae burrow into the skin and develop into fully grown maggots.  In order to avoid these pesky flies, it is advised that you iron all of your clothing.   The thought of maggots in my skin terrifies me, so I have been adamant about ironing all of my clothes.  A part of me, however, did wonder if mango flies were an actual problem…until now.  Over the weekend, I met up with Bethany, Joe, and John in Mbale.  John asked us, “Do you all want to see the weird bite I got at Joe’s house?”  He raises his arm and there is a boil like spot that is black in the middle – characteristic of a mango fly.  Joe says, “Uh, I think that’s a mango fly.”  Naturally, John freaks out, while the rest of us proceed to check it out and take pictures:

Mango fly bite

            Since we are Peace Corps Volunteers and have been in Uganda far too long, we thought the proper thing to do next was pop out the maggot.  I should probably mention we were in Chat n Chino, an mzungu restaurant in Mbale; neither an ideal nor very appropriate place for popping out a mango fly.  We, however, have been in the village far too long and did not think twice about popping out a maggot in front of other patrons.  We also disinfected with Purell because that's all we had.  Now here is the proper way to pop out a mango fly:

1.     Make sure someone is there to film this because you are going to want to cherish this moment forever.  Thankfully, I had my iPhone and was able to document the whole adventure.

2.     Put Vaseline or clear nail polish over the red bump in order to suffocate the maggot.  It will then proceed to try and wriggle itself out.

3.     Wait a few minutes and then squeeze the maggot out like you are popping a pimple.  If it’s being stubborn, then use a needle to pull out the little bugger.

4.     Let out a sigh of relief…you are now maggot free.

5.     START IRONING YOUR CLOTHES.

I know you are all dying to see this adventure.  Sorry for the poor video quality, but I didn't want to sit here all day.  When I return to the US I'll show it to all of you in high def.  You can click on the video to watch it via youtube and make it full screen: 

 

            Coming home from Mbale that day was also quite eventful.  I was sitting in the front, middle seat of the taxi, which is usually right on top of the engine.  While we were driving my seat started to get hot, but I did not think much of it because I know this can happen sometimes.  I ignored it until it started to become a little unbearable, and I told the driver that the seat was getting hotter than usual.  He looked over, and then we both realized the seat was starting to smoke.  He pulled over; the conductor in the back seat jumped out, opened the door and pulled me and the other passenger out of the front.  The driver lifted up the seats to see the engine and a small fire was starting.  He had a jerry can ready and he poured water on the engine in order to put out the fire and cool it down.  He then put the seats back down and motioned for us to get back in.  I looked at the other passenger with my eyebrows raised and we both laughed and shrugged our shoulders.  I got back in the taxi like this was perfectly normal and no big deal.  After all, this is Uganda and anything goes.  As they say here, “there is no problem.”  We drove for a couple of meters and then the driver pulled over again and he sent the conductor to refill the jerry can from the swamp.  He returned, and we were instructed to get out of the taxi again.  The driver filled the coolant tank with water and then told us to get back in the taxi.  All I could think the rest of the ride home was, “Wow, I hope there isn’t another fire.  I really like these jeans I’m wearing and I don’t want to burn a hole in the butt.”

            This past week was uneventful because the students were slow to trickle into school and the teachers are still on strike.  Things are continuing to get worse here in Uganda, the exchange rate is now 3,000 shillings to the dollar.  It was 2,300 when we arrived!  Food and gas prices continue to rise, and teachers are still only making around 173,000 shillings a month.  That’s just over $50!!  It is rumored that the strike will end sometime this week, but anything goes.  I am going to keep myself busy by going to the health clinic and working on the resource room. 

            On Sunday, I invited my neighbors’ kids over to watch a movie on my computer because I have a bunch of Disney movies on my external hard drive.  We watched the Lion King, and I thought the kids were going to die of excitement.  The only television they watch here is the news and Spanish soap operas that are dubbed in English.  (Only some of my neighbors have televisions and they only get a few channels because they use the bunny ears).  After the movie, they went home and then came back twenty minutes later and asked if they could watch Simba again. While it was a very cute request, I had to say no (I don’t want to set a bad precedent of allowing them to come over all the time to watch TV).  I told them that on Sundays, when I am around, I will have them over for a movie day.  I have a feeling that I will be watching a lot of Lion King because I am not sure they really understand that I have other movies to watch.  Ah, but there is no problem :)

This bug was in our hotel at Lweza.  We don't know what it was, but it was gross!

Beginner Uganda

           I am finally finished with the three weeks of Peace Corps workshops, and it feels great to be home.  When I arrived back to my site, my neighbors were beyond excited with my return.  They had some of the students help me clean my house, and they did an amazing job.  They swept, scrubbed the floors, and dusted everything.  I don’t think my house has ever been so clean – I am so grateful for my awesome neighbors.  I did say in my last post that I was worried I was going to find some critters in my house and/or latrine.  Well, I had reason to be worried.  There was a dead and decomposing rat in my latrine.  It was actually STUCK to the floor and my neighbors had to scrape it off.  It smelled like death in my latrine; I was gagging.  They then scrubbed the floors, so now it’s back to its clean self.  Phew! 

            During my three weeks away, I realized my whole training group has started to pick up a few Ugandan phrases.  While sometimes we are joking, sometimes we cannot help talking like a Ugandan.  In order to understand, I think that I need to teach you a little Ugandan English:

1.     Greetings are more than just a simple “How are you?”  Here is how a typical greeting will go with a  random person on the road:

            A: “How are you?”

            B: “I’m fine”

            A: “Mmm.”

            B: “How are you?”

            A: “I’m fine.”

            B: “Mmmm.”

            A: “How is there?”

            B: “Good.  How is home?”

            A: “Fine. Well done.”

            B: “Mmm.  Thank you for your work.”
            A: “Mmm.”

From there you can continue down the road.  And, yes, the “Mmms” are essential in every greeting.  I actually usually say “mmm” when someone speaks to me in Lugwere and I don’t understand.  In most cases, it will suffice!

2.     You will find yourself saying all of these phrases constantly if you are in Uganda an extended period of time:

-       Well done

-       Thank you for your work

-       It’s okay

-       Eh, sorry (sorry is pronounced more like soddy”

-       “You first wait” or “You first come”

-       If something is broken – it’s “spoiled”.

-       If your phone battery is dead – it’s “finished”

-       If a restaurant ran out of French fries, which are chips here, then the chips are “over”.

3.     I feel like I should elaborate on some of these phrases.  For instance, “it’s okay” is the response to everything.  When I tell my neighbor that I’m off to Mbale to do some grocery shopping, he or she will usually say, “It’s okay.”  If I ask a question, and I’m not understood, then the response will just be “it’s okay.”  It’s a universal response to anything. 

4.     “Eh, soddy” can be used in all contexts.  For example: If you’re sick, you drop your pen, you trip, your phone battery is finished, or if your computer is spoiled. 

            A: “My mom has the flu.”

            B: “Ehh, soddy. I missed your call because my phone is finished.”

            A: “Eh, soddy.”

            Person A drops their pencil accidentally.

            B: “Eh, soddy.”

You get the picture.

5.     If you are gone for a long time, then people will tell you that you have been “lost.”  Since I was gone for three weeks at workshops, people keep coming by to tell me, “Ah! You have been lost.” 

6.     Statements can always be turned into questions.  “The phone is what? It is spoiled.”  “The food is what?  The food is over.” “I am what? I am hungry.” This is a nasty habit we have all picked up – it started out as a joke, but now most of can’t help speaking in statements/questions. 

7.     When you return home, some people say “well be back” instead of saying, “welcome back.” We have not started saying this, but we all want to know why this is said.

For all the people reading this that have been to Uganda, I know you’re thinking, “yup, totally!”  For everyone else, I’m sure you’re thinking, “huh?”  All I have to say is, come visit me and you will understand completely.  Otherwise, in two years you will start to notice that I sometimes speak like this myself.  Kind of like when I picked up a little bit of a Midwestern accent when I went to UW. 

This blog post is now what? Finished.