Food Flops

            There is never a dull moment when one goes to a restaurant in Uganda.  Whether you are at a place that sells local food or you are at a nice Western restaurant, something will inevitably go amiss.  Customer service is non-existent, some items on the menu are not actually served, they are out of various ingredients, and there is a 50/50 chance that you will receive what you in fact ordered.  Here are some of my more memorable moments at restaurants in Uganda:   

            Last weekend, a few of us went to the pool at Mt. Elgon Resort in Mbale.  We decided to splurge and order food there.  Chelsea and I really wanted a cheeseburger, but they were out of cheese.  So we were deciding between the “hamburger” and the “beef burger.”  The hamburger with fries was 18,000 shillings and the beef burger with fries was 12,000 shillings.  We could not figure out the difference, so Chelsea asked the waiter, “Sir, what is the difference between the beef burger and the hamburger?”

            The waiter took the menu and read, “This one is hamburger with fries.  And this one is the beef burger with fries.”

            “Yes, but how are they different.  They sound like the same thing, but they are different prices.”

            “Yes. Hamburger is 18,000 shillings, but beef burger is 12,000.”

            “But what is the difference?”

            “They are the same, but they are somehow different.”

            At this point, Chelsea and I can hardly contain our laughter.  Chelsea asked, “What makes them different?”

            He replied, “Hamburger is minced meat.  And beef burger is just meat.” 

            Chelsea and I discussed his answer and decided we should probably just be safe and spend the extra money on the hamburger.  We thought that the beef burger was maybe just roast beef on a hamburger bun.

            Our meal arrived and we immediately figured out the difference between the hamburger and beef burger.  Can you guess?  Well, the hamburger actually had slices of “ham” on the burger.  I use the word ham loosely because it looked like Spam and we took it off immediately. 

            A while back, Chelsea, Caroline and I were in Kampala and we went to the Pizza Connection for lunch.  We all ordered the bacon cheeseburger and Chelsea kept telling the waiter, “NO MAYONAISE!  We do not like it, do not put mayonnaise on the burger.”  We were pretty sure the waiter understood, he wrote it down and kept saying, “Yes, no mayonnaise.  Everything but mayonnaise.”  The waiter came back with our burgers, and sure enough, on each bun there was a humongous glob of mayonnaise.  Chelsea said, “Sir, we said no mayonnaise.” 

            The waiter looked at the burgers and said, “There is no mayonnaise.”

            Chelsea stood up, pointed to each burger, and said, “Mayonnaise, mayonnaise, mayonnaise.” 

            He scrunched up his face in confusion, looked at the burgers, and then said, “Ah sorry.  Yes.”  He took the burgers back and then returned them mayonnaise free.  Although, I am pretty sure they just scraped it off the bun.  We devoured them anyway. 

            Quality Cuts is a sandwich place in Kampala where we all love to go and eat.  Sandwiches are something we all miss and crave out in the village.  When I was in Kampala taking the GMAT, I really wanted to get a sandwich to take back home with me, so I stopped at Quality Cuts before leaving.  I ordered the Belgian sandwich.

            “We are out of the Belgian Pickles”

            “Alright, can I have the Turkey sandwich, but add lettuce, tomato, cucumber and cheese.”

            “The salad is over.”

            Ugandans call this combo of veggies “salad.”  Might I add, Quality Cuts is in a Supermarket; in the produce section no less.  However, the produce is delivered to Quality Cuts from somewhere else.  Chelsea has actually purchased vegetables and then given them to Quality Cuts to put on her sandwich.  So, I tried once again to order.  “Alright, can I just have the turkey sandwich with cheese and mustard?”

            “Ok.”  She turned to make the sandwich and then turned back around.  “Ah, the bread is over.”

            Clearly we could have avoided the whole back and forth from the beginning because there was no chance of me getting a sandwich in the first place.  What a disappointment.      

            Sometimes meals come without the key ingredients.  For instance, Ryan ordered a salami sandwich, however, there was no salami.  Chelsea, Rachel, and I ordered a Greek salad, but there was no feta cheese.  So we technically got the “House Salad,” but they still charged us for the Greek salad. 

            Besides a shower and a toilet, one thing I am most excited for back home is quality customer service.  My tolerance for poor service is quite high these days – I shrug my shoulders, laugh, and say, “TIA.”  There is not much else you can do; you just have to roll with the punches.